Parchment



Need to get something off my chest, so, very wordy post! :-)

You know the question, describe yourself in one word? You know what mine will be?

Underachiever.

I always settle for less, ALWAYS. Not matter what I do, I always give up halfway, be it exams, commitments, goals etc.

I am a damn complacent person, and in a extremely bad way. Sometimes it gets to the point where I get obnoxious, like seriously. My friends have never expressed this point to me, but I always feel it, especially when I ponder about what I have just said in a conversation.

Take O Levels as an example. Yeah I qualified for Business School, so what? Am I just going to scrape it through in my career/life, always settling for mediocre? I make all these goals, achievements but majority of the time, I never hit it. Sometimes I just want to just have NO GOALS at all, because I secretly know I will never accomplish them. But I always make them anyway, reason being, "Better than having no goals at all".

And no, I really do not want to blame my Dad for this, if this was a pill I cannot swallow it down. It was not his fault, he did not want the accident to happen at that crucial time.

Studying time was spent going to and fro from school, the hospital and home. I did not have a conducive environment to study. I thought I put in enough effort despite all. (See what I mean about complacency?)

I am just not a textbook person, to factor that in. 10 years of education and I am not a fan non-practical academics, I can assure you.

All I can do now is change, but how? I have been trying but I just can't. It is just my character, it's who I am.

My real reason for going to a polytechnic, no one knows, I have not told anyone.

Yes I do like the school-life, the atmosphere, the module being not Eng/Maths/Sci anymore.

Why not JC? Many say it's the A levels results that matters, so not going to reputable JC is alright.

Well, I'm scared.

I had this scene in my mind. If history repeats itself, I will have nowhere to go. With a mediocre A level result slip, there goes my hopes of a good career/job. I will set goals for a good A levels results slip, but you now what? I will eventually still be complacent and flunk it.

And I definitely DO NOT want that to happen. It's like committing suicide.

That is why I chose poly, because I know I am doing what I like and what I am interested in, with a more practical approach. The sooner the better.

My friends are different. They WILL make it, they WILL work hard. They are not complacent people. I am different from them in this way. Sometimes I envy them and wish I could have the same willpower.

But I just don't have it, unfortunately for me.

Everyone has flaws, guess this is mine then. :-)

P.S. I actually framed this post since last night, I was up till 4am thinking about this. Haha, but I do feel really good after typing it out and reading it myself. No need to emo anymore :D